One valley to the next.

    Clearly I'm slacking on the blog.ha I have a whole bunch of  fresh thoughts swirling around, but then I wait until late to publish them so it's not as good as it would have been at the first. OR, I don't publish them at all, and no one is helped, or encouraged in any way because I've kept it to myself.

    With that being said, in an effort to encourage someone else, I'd like to share my last several months with you (in a nutshell) of course.
    ...

    You can't look back and find the time you started feeling this way. It just sort of happens, and you have to figure out how to get out of it. Depression. Something I've struggled with, off and on for as long as I can remember. I could hang around my friends, laugh and cut up but I was so unhappy and really and truthfully angry at myself for allowing it to get that far again. I'd walk in to church and think why are you even here? You're not gonna change. There's no point in trying. You can't be fixed. God's gonna give up on you because you're useless to Him. 

    I had no hope. And, I was convinced as I have been on and off that I was going to hell because that's just how the enemy works. So, why try anymore? If other people were barely even going to make it, how was I? 

    I can say with a surety, that if I didn't have friends pushing me and getting me to church I'd probably be out. BUT, God would never allow me to not attempt to get there. I love church, always have. But, any Christian here knows how that enemy will fight you walking in, sitting down, and walking out if we're being real.

    I had gotten in a place so bad, and so dark I felt hollow inside. I literally felt nothing but anger. Oh, I was angry. Angry at my predicament, angry at people, angry at the world, and worst and scariest of all angry at God. I was SO angry at Him and I realized then how dangerous of a place I was in. I don't even know why I was angry at Him. Maybe knowing He was in control, and I was out of it? And, going through what I was going through? I dunno. I couldn't even begin to try and tell you. 

    I was on the verge of giving up. Don't get me wrong, I have NEVER doubted God. I know He is real. I know He is good. And, I know there is no other way but Him. Who else would I turn to? Where else would I go? But I was in a bad place. 

    I kept hearing sermons that I felt were trying to call me out of this darkness. It all began with a sermon by Sis.Taylor, that was literally titled, "Do Not Give Up On Your God." I was sure about to give up on something. Several more came after that. Then one Sunday night, I was fighting tears through a sermon by one of our lady ministers and she said it was for somebody. Now, obviously it could have split itself 10 different ways and 10 different people could have grabbed on to it, but I KNEW that it was for me. I had already set in my mind that I was gonna talk to this person soon any way, because they were the real deal, and we were friends so she knew me real good. She's a prayer, a studyer, a God-seeker. And, I saw her, met her at her car and through my then breaking voice said that sermon tonight was for me. And, she'd met with me and heard my predicament. 

    I remember I started reading my Bible, and praying, and reading my little devotional. Still having a rough time, but at least I was getting the word in me. I woke up one day and had an awesome day! I was happy, I wasn't nervous or frustrated. My best friend had invited me to do a Bible study with her, and we both agreed that it came right on time in our lives. It was on James. I call James my "Spiritual Check Book." James likes to let me know when I am not being the nice woman of God I should be. To put it nicely.ha

   The next huge instance was prayer meeting on Tuesday at the Church. I normally ride with someone, but I was having one of those days and on top of that I didn't want to be a bother. But, I had a strong desire to go. So, I said if they ask me if I want a ride, I'll go. If not, I'm not gonna worry about it. Then sure enough they texted me and asked if I needed a ride, and I let them know quick, fast, and in a hurry that I did. 'Cause I knew that I needed to get there.
    As soon as I walked in I was overwhelmed with emotion, trying to fight back tears. We went through the motion of prayer requests, and urgent needs; I mentioned the young people in our church, and that I would like to be remembered in prayer. Before we prayed someone simply said that a lot of people were going through extreme mental battles, and the enemy was fighting. And, that ripped me apart and the tears welled up. I sure wasn't fixing to cry in front of them, though. It was the first time that I didn't feel like I was struggling, and trying to win it alone. I knew that even in my predicament, I had brothers and sisters in warfare also needing my help through prayer and encouragement. So, even though I was ready to give up on myself, I was not gonna give up on them. Still won't! But, I knelt in the corner to pray and it was all over from there. I hadn't felt anything, remember, because of the hollowness I explained above.( That's the only way I know to explain it.) But, at that moment I like to say that I snot-cried my way to victory, because the tears came and they wouldn't stop and I just poured my heart out before God. I wasn't completely a victor, and I couldn't see a change yet, but I could see a hope, where there was none before. And, now even though I'm still fighting, I don't feel hopeless.
    The one thing I learned through this is that a mediocre, lukewarm Christianity isn't going to work for me anymore. The devil isn't playing games, because he's fighting to win my soul, so I can't either. And, he's gonna fight to the death, so I need to figure out how to fight myself. I learned that if  I'm gonna make it, and if we're gonna make it we can no longer stay in a defensive position, but we also need to move to an offensive one. I need to be a woman of prayer. I need to fast. I need to be in that word, so that there's no room for the enemy to come into my mind, and distract me from what God wants for me. And, until I learn to apply that I'm going to keep slipping, and I'm going to keep falling into that depression and into that hopelessness, and into sin.
    I'm reminded of times like at Florida CHC Youth Camp where I was praying in the front and felt depression lift off of my shoulders like an elephant. If there had been a clock to look at I could pinpoint the exact time. And, I can tell you to this day exactly where it happened.
    I'm reminded of  the prophetic word of a trusted sister that said if  I would surrender my anxiety over to God He would give me His peace. Has that promise changed? No. I have.
    But, I can still get to that place of surrender again, because as long as I have breath there is hope for me.
    I just want to encourage someone to keep going. You may be fighting what I'm fighting, you may be fighting something greater. But, grab on to a trusted brother or sister if you need it, and get a hold of God. it's hard. So very hard, but it is also so very worth it. He hasn't brought us this far to cast us away.
    His promises are true. His love is still the same. And, He will see us through to the end.
    I'm struggling to learn that when I'm feeling like I'm battling alone he is right there all along pushing me on, and encouraging me to make it and keep going. He doesn't want to see me fall. And, so he's there to help lead and guide me.
    Every single time I come out of a valley experience I see his hand at work, and when I look back at all those valley experiences I can stand by this truth: He has always been there, and has never left me.
    And an even greater truth; He never will.
   
    You're gonna make it, Christian. Just keep going.

    One day these valleys will all be worth it.